Dear Miss Runninghawk,

You don’t know me but I represent a gentlemen in Nigeria who is quite wealthy and finds himself with quite a dilemma. First, he needs someone who is part American Indian/ American/ Italian/ Spanish or Spanish speaking who shares a great passion for Tango.

He accidentally came across your blog during the process of checking every single e-mail address in the world for possible business interests.

He is stunned by your beauty and writing style and would like to meet you. Secondly, he can tell you are a world traveler and believes there is good possibility you could further his business interests in many of the areas of South America.

Miss Tangohawk?

Needless to say, you could make a very large sum of money if you agree to work with him. While I can not tell you his name, his father is one of the richest men in Nigeria. His immediate need is to deposit $100,000,000 in a foreign account in order to keep it from the Ministers of Finance in Nigeria. He is willing to pay you a 3% fee for this.

One word of caution however, this gentlemen has never done the Tango and is not quite sure if it is some sort of “scam” as they might say in your country.

Consider his offer. He plans on contacting you shortly.

Also, the dark-haired man in the photos on your blog- is he connected in any way with law enforcement?

 tall dark-haired guy

Willow replies:

Hey baby!   Quite the man about town, aren’t we?  or are you the Boy Friday?  please send pix of this fabulous Gentleman… especially pix of his chateaux, his villa, his horses, his cars, his yachts, his bank account #s.  Remind him that I require the Bentley for shopping, and the Rolls for touring and traveling from villa to villa, unless we’re in the yacht.  And the first mate had better look like Giancarlo Giannini in Swept Away!  I prefer an Italian crew, but NO communists, per favore!  Have them put in a supply of fresh cucumbers for my morning eye compress, plenty of ice, Habana Club, coke and limes.

As far as his dancing ability, not to worry.  I will lead.

I can assure you that I am certainly in a position to further his business interests in South America.  We have a saying here in Argentina:  there is a financial solution to every bureaucratic problem.  Just show me the money, honey!!  

Perhaps a vocabulary lesson would be helpful?

devaluation:  when you need to print more cash

barter:  most useful shopping technique for when the bank has seized your assets.

looting:  tax-free shopping

corralito:  when the powers that be impose a limit on bank withdrawals.  this is like a doctor trying to stop the patient’s bleeding, but it leads to anemia and pretty soon you’re in intensive care, like Greece, Spain, Italy, Argentina… also known as:

economic restructuring:  not my favorite as I like to support the local economy by shopping!

crisis:  from the Greek: a series of changes in the equilibrium of a structure, leading to its modification.

crisis:  from the Argentine: opportunity for shady politicians to seize power (happens every 10-15 years)

crisis:  from bankers point of view: opportunity to cash in on debt relief & bailouts

crisis:  from employer point of view: opportunity to lower costs by cutting jobs and a “humanitarian” excuse for rollbacks on labor conditions

crisis:  from developer’s point of view: opportunity to buy properties from disaster victims

cacerolazo:  urban inter-tribal rite-of-spring-cleaning ritual signifying “Adios, hijos de la chingada!”

Please let your boss know that I accept his offer of 3%, and I will take half the cash in the form of a wire transfer in US dollars to my savings account with Banco de la Nación, Buenos Aires, acct. no. BEECHWOOD45789, code word CRISTINA, (or just send it by Western Union; code word: SCAMME) and the other half in cash cards in denominations of $100 each, preferably Target, Wal-Mart, Costco, Safeway, Home Depot and NeoTango.

As regards the tall dark-haired gentleman, he is my chief of security and goes everywhere I go.  He requires black coffee at noon, 4 pm and midnight, a Tango shoe charge account, custom-tailored Italian suits, and an unlimited expense account.  He gets a few evenings off for soccer matches.

Please let me know if the terms are agreeable, and I will have my attorney contact your client’s attorney.

Che bello!  Ci vediamo!  Un baccione!!

Willow

Dear Miss Willow Tangohawk:

Thank you for your consideration of our proposal however after careful review my client has decided to rescind his offer to you. His reasoning is he fears you are, how do you say in your language, “testy”?

Personally, I think you would be a good fit, but what else can I say – he is the “bosses” as you people say.

Also, he does not understand what Tango is and I think it scares him a little.

With Warmest Regards,

Akkar Mozabe, Esq.

oh darn! she got away!